April 30, 2009
To: All Borg Employees
From: Jean-Luc Picard
In an effort to mitigate the impact of program funding delays, recent program losses, difficult cost pressures, and the need to continually drive competitiveness in our marketplace, The Borg is implementing a reduction in force across the organization. The employees affected will comprise less than 2% of our workforce. Jack Meoff announced a similar action last week via email. This action has now expanded to include the entire The Borg enterprise. Please note that the 2% is not in addition to, but includes last week’s announcement number as well.
Prior to the decision to implement this workforce reduction, our leadership team took a number of actions to minimize the impact which included, but were not limited, to intense focus on indirect cost including unallowable spending, labor utilization, and a thorough program scrub for potential profit improvement.
The reduction in workforce will occur the week of May 3. All affected employees will be notified on May 5, with the final work day on May 7.
Full-time and regular part-time employees will be offered a basic severance package of two weeks pay and a supplemental package based on the employee’s global grade and years of service. Employees will be given an opportunity to sign a waiver or release which is required for supplemental severance allowance eligibility.
Outplacement services will also be offered to all employees who sign a release agreement, including: employment counseling, training, resume writing, job-search, and office support and resources. The services will be provided by Han Solo at an offsite location in the local area.
The overall business outlook for The Borg remains positive, and we believe we are taking the steps necessary to position us properly for capturing emerging opportunities. The Borg Leadership Team remains committed to exploring every possible option before implementing a reduction in force, and we will continue to look for opportunities to place people and reduce the overall impact.
Please direct any questions to your immediate supervisor
What they are really saying:
Money is tight and we need to give upper management more money so some of you dumb fucks gots to go. It’s only 2% so it could be you or it could be the dumb fuck sitting next to you. We’re gonna let you sit in pucker factor 10 over the weekend while all of you discuss who it could be. Nevermind your prayers because we’ve already made our decision. We are only informing you because our attorney’s suggested it plus we want to see you squirm. This is why we installed extra cameras over the last few months. HAHAHA
If you have any questions ask your supervisor but it won’t do you any good because they had no idea about this either.
Your Bestest Buddy Jean-Luc
Note: This is an actual letter I received 3 years ago. I did not post it then but just came across it and laughed my ass off. The names have been changed to protect the Jerks in charge.