I wrapped the towel around me and calmly got some toilet paper, grabbed it and threw it in the toilet and flushed.

Phew that was over with.

As a chick I don’t like bugs and when I’m a naked chick I REALLY don’t like bugs.

I was talking to a friend about it today and she TOTALLY agreed with me. Something about being naked and seeing a bug and suddenly you wanna cover everything up. Are we afraid the little bug will climb in one of our hole?

I know… That sounds ridiculously awful, and unlikely, but my friend laughed hysterically because the same thought went through her head.

Loved it!

I was informally dating “Boat Boy” and at the last minute he came over one night. We climbed into bed and as I was drifting off to sleep, my body was relaxing and I heard, and felt, my body release GAS! Yes I FARTED! Oh My GOD! I was now wide awake and praying he was asleep but I don’t think he was. I think he heard it and I was devastated! I imagined what might be going through his head and he was probably trying to keep from laughing. I finally drifted off to sleep… fartless.

In the middle of the night I woke up and had to go to the bathroom. I climbed back into bed and again was drifting off to sleep when it happened again. I do believe this one was louder, but this time I was more confident he was asleep. Oddly enough, when I said good-bye to him in the morning it would be the last time I saw him. (No great loss there… that’s another story for another time)

Personally, I find this topic quite amusing except when I’m the farter or have to smell a really wretched one. For example… one day I was on the elevator to the third floor and the elevator stopped on the second floor to let an older gentleman off. He stopped just outside the doors and farted just before the doors closed on me.

My ex husband would always lift his leg when farting. I guess this assisted in getting it out. I just never understood why he always lifted the leg closest to me. I have a girlfriend who has the same complaint with a current boyfriend of hers. What is this? She says her boyfriend really enjoys his farts and loves to show them off in various ways. She has gone so far as to leave their bed for the guest room because the stench just won’t go away.

Not to long ago I had to go in for a colonoscopy. Oh happy happy joy joy. As they were wheeling me out into recovery all I heard were farts “pffft”, “pffft”, “whoomp”. I called it “The Farting Room”. They told me I needed to pass gas to be discharged (hee hee that was punny). So I quietly passed gas and told them so and yet I stayed right where I was. Another patient was brought in and put across the room. All the staff was with that patient when I passed again and everyone heard it. With that the nurse walked over and said I could go. I guess they needed to hear it. When I walked out my Mom said I was the most lucid person to walk out of there. I told her that was because I was too embarrassed to fart out loud so it took me longer and delayed my release (hee hee punny again) therefore the sedation had worn off.

Original Post: September 8, 2005

This repost is dedicated to Jen. I love ya Sistah!!!

I didn’t think anything could make me laugh harder.

Until…

I saw this scene in “The Ugly Truth”:

This movie is a keeper if for nothing else… That scene.

From the movie “Love and Other Disasters“.

Hilarious!!!

Here is my favorite:

This is just so wrong.

So this will make two in a row where I haven’t actually written anything but I find enlightening all of you just as important and if it makes you laugh… All the better.

I got this email the other day and I didn’t read it right way.  I guess I wanted to have privacy when I read it due to the subject line:

“…a little F-16 in my pants” or “Put down the hammer!”

Is Mini Red in bed yet? (**looking both ways**) 

This is just BRILLIANT!

—————————————————————————————-

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight,

white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse?”  I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.  In fact, only last week, my friend Jenifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
 
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted
to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you freakin’ kidding me?  What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
 
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
 
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull shit.

And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
 
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Wendy Aarons has a blog and you can check her out here.